He knew me and touched me

exhausted. finally weekend! that means even more busy, just not with school, especially its Easter weekend. i promised that i would share about my own testimony from my last post, but just got so busy with school works on hand. at least i finally get to breathe a little bit. ok, here we go.

i wasnt born in a Christian family. and my family consists of 3 boys and 1 girl, hence i have 2 older brothers and 1 younger brother. seems like a huge family, but in reality, it is not exactly true. both of parents were divorced once before they had me and my younger brother. my 2 older brothers are my half-brother from my mom's previous marriage. so even though i saw them and hung out with them occasionally, they actually lived with their dad. the weird thing was that i was told about all these when i was about 7 or 8 years old, when my mom had a fight with my dad or grandma about things, when she would bring me to the park at 10pm and talk to me about her past and how she had to go through tough life, how much she expects from me, how much she hopes in me, how much she wants me to succeed and get what she wanted but couldnt have when she was younger. you might think this is heavy, but somehow my little mind held on to these things, somehow i knew that i should just take these in and not question about anything, somehow i understood that life would not be easy.

my whole mindset prior to knowing Christ was based on the thinking and ideals from my parents. my parents did not have the chance of good education, and they realized that only education can change one's life, and you have to be competent and the best of the best. so ever since i was little, my parents had high expectations on me: have to be at least around the top if not the best one already, gotta know more things than everyone else, need to consistently keep yourself in check with the current competition with others. it was stressful. i would even say that was more stressful than taking SAT and doing college apps!! aside from getting at least A in school (and of course i would be going to one of the prestigious schools in hk), i needed to learn other things in order to compete with other people: piano, ballet, drawing class, martial arts, girl scout, crafts, basketball, cooking, badminton. all of these things would fill up my schedule. because i know a lot and the thought of being the best out of everyone else made me very prideful and at the same time competitive, the desire to want to beat everyone else. at one point, i felt like i couldnt take the pressure, with such a little mind of mine, i was thinking, if this is all to life, i would rather die now because i dont see the point of life. so my head would be filled with suicidal thoughts when i was still in elementary school. there was one time i had enough, so i began to find means to suicide. but all of sudden, i heard a voice in my head. he told me, dont do it, just wait and see, theres more to life, just hold on, it will be ok. somehow, i listened and trusted that voice. i didnt know how/what it was, but i wanted to trust that voice, wanted to believe what he said. after that, i didnt search for the voice and i simply forgotten about it.

i went to a catholic school, and being a nearly perfect student, i studied well for all my classes, including the "bible" class. i knew about Jesus, knew His story, His miracles, what He done on the cross, why we have Christmas and Easter. i never understood the reason behind all of those things. i moved to maryland when i was 12, after i finished elementary school. i resented my parents for taking us here, to a place where i dont know anyone, anywhere, anything, but my parents always insisted that it was for our own good. during my first year here, all i could think about was how much i hate this place. being new immigrants, we didnt have a choice to where we lived, so we had to live in a somewhat ghetto neighborhood. as one of the only chinese in the neighborhood, i didnt fit in at all. i would get bullied on school bus and in school sometimes. during that time, i simply didnt like school, or even go outside, so i would try to stay at my house as much as possible. when my parents made friends here and invited them over, they would always wonder why do i look so angry or sad all the time, and i would get scolded by my parents afterward. i hated this place, hated everything here. my family moved and i changed middle school 3 times, and finally settle down in rockville. i finally got to make some closer friends in my second half of 8th grade, but those were the only people that i would hang out with ever.

about the second semester of high school, one of my mom's friend invited me to church for the holiday. since my parents were always out working, leaving my younger brother and i at home, she thought that wasnt a bad idea for us to have something to do, plus church would make us good kids! so i went and actually went back for the second week as well. an older sister, who i forgot her name because she was only visiting the church, shared the gospel with me. she told me about the coming judgment and God's wrath because of our sins. i remembered at that time, i was scared. looking back, i did so many bad things, committed so many sins, things that you wouldnt think an elementary school kid would do. many go through rebellious stage in teenage, but i went through mine in elementary school. because of the unbearable pressure and stress, i cheated in school and got caught, not only on a test, but also cheated in a way that i lied to my teacher the reason that i cheated. that was most horrible lie ever, so bad that i still remember exactly what i said until this day. there were also times when i stole from my grandma and got caught by my parents. it caught my parents' and teachers' attentions, but i regretted it so much because my mom used to bring it up so often to guilt-trip me. i was scared that God would judge me on those, because i know that i am guilty of those sins, that i deserve punishment. but she told me about Christ, who had died on the cross and paid for my sin so that i dont have to go to hell, who loves me so much and willing to take my place for me. i accepted it. out of fear though for the first time, that i have someone to rely on, that i dont have to fear my past.

later on (more stories, just ask if you want to know more!), as i got involved in my current church, i began to understand what God's love true means, understand more the depth of my sin and at the same time the amazing grace that God has planned before the foundation of the world. i learned that its not on our own account that we can be called the children of God, that we can try to be good and follow the rules. our lives are not about ourselves anymore, but rather Christ because we have been purchased by the blood of Christ. God changed my heart, from being angry and sad to cheerful, from being prideful and competitive to compassionate, from being guilty and regretful to gratefulness. im still far from being perfect, probably will never get close to perfect in this life time, but thats ok, because i have a perfect Savior, a God who loves me and knows me before i even existed, reaches out to me and saves me from the depth of my sins, protects me and comforts me to get through trials and storms, molds me and shapes me to become more like Christ, draws me in and guides me to get to know Him more.