been reading the meaning of marriage by timothy and kathy keller, learning a whole lot about what marriage really means. and i realize how far i am from God's intend of marriage for men and women. it is also eye-opening to see some sins that i currently "developing". what i mean by developing is that there are certain things that i do would not be considered destructive as of now because im not yet married, but will be if i continue to act the same way towards my husband in the future.

there's this one passage from the book that really touched me when i first read it, it goes like this:

On the cross, Jesus did not look down on us with a heart full of admiration and affection. He felt no "chemistry." But he gave himself. He put our needs ahead of his own; he sacrificed for us. But the Bible tells spouses not only to imitate the quality and manner of Christ's love but also the goal of it. Jesus died not because we were lovely, but to make us lovely. He died, Paul says, "to make us holy." Paradoxically, this means Paul is urging spouses to help their mates love Jesus more than them. It's a paradox but not a contradiction. The simple fact is that only if I love Jesus more than my wife will I be able to serve her needs ahead of my own. Only if my emotional tank is filled with love from God will I be able to be patient, faithful, tender, and open with my wife when things are not going well in life or in the relationship. And the more joy I get from my relationship with Christ, the more I can share that joy with my wife and family. 

i knew that a marriage is supposed to imitate the trinity, what i didn't know is it is also required for husband and wife to make each other holy by being more in love with Christ. everything streams from our relationship with Christ. 

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it seems foolish to be completely truthful and speak of your mind directly, yet it is equally foolish to hide and restrain your ideas and opinions from others.

i need more wisdom and discernment.

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human limitation and sinfulness have never been more apparent to me than now. we can be clouded with emotions and feelings, making wrong choices, acting based on emotions. we can be clueless about what other peoples feeling, yet placing our own on top of everyone else, basing it as our guide. we can think that our actions are "justified" because they make sense to us and we have the right to do so, while forgetting theres always another side of the story. sadly, we dont realize these until we got hurt because of them, hurt so bad that make us cry. at the end of the day, it is personal that only ourselves would understand, so personal that we can only deal with them on our own with God.

tonight, im glad that God is by my side when im on my own. 

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