4.15.2011

cant settle down. feel so uneasy. my heart is being stirred, its the enemy, or is it my own pride, my sinful desire? i try to find peace, distract myself. "with one desire we come that You would reign in us". only reminded me of freshmen year. "what do i have, if i dont have you Jesus?", i felt pathetic because i forgot. i have nothing if i dont have Jesus. "my faith was paper thin". it was. it still is. almost broke down at noon.

thank God for sustaining me. brothers and sisters around me, pointing me back to God, though they dont know whats going on inside of me. i just seem to take my mind off from it. betrayal. thats all i can think of. "are you for real? did you purposefully trick me and deceive me?" "but you cant compare yourself to them" "so how am i supposed to feel? CONGRATZ?!?!?!" "you dont even know whether its true" "does it seem like it was just playing, just a joke? is it fun to play with me?" battle. waging war. thank God for sustaining me, surrounded me with brothers and sisters, He is always here.

Send out your light and your truth; let them lead me;
let them bring me to your holy hill and to your dwelling!
Then I will go to the altar of God, to God my exceeding joy,
and I will praise you with the lyre, O God, my God.
Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me?
Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God.

"why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me?" i dont know. betrayal. thats all i can think of. "HOPE"! where? look up. the cross. betrayal. "forgive them, for they know not what they do..."

Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. And above all these put on love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony And let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, to which indeed you were called in one body. And be thankful.

"forgiving each other..." i dont know how. betrayal. thats all i can think of. "as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive..." how? look up. the cross. betrayal. "In this is love, not that we have loved God but that he loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins..." just put it on. it will work. and peace will follow. deep down in your heart. one body. thankful.

driving. 11pm. one car in front. slow. red. sudden stop. 2 seconds. almost ended. a deer. shaking. almost ended. "can you forgive now? put it down". all saved.

As a deer pants for flowing streams, so pants my soul for you, O God.
My soul thirsts for God, for the living God.
When shall I come and appear before God?
My tears have been my food day and night, while they say to me all the day long, "Where is your God?"
These things I remember, as I pour out my soul:
how I would go with the throng and lead them in procession to the house of God
with glad shouts and songs of praise, a multitude keeping festival.