on the other hand, i was receiving desiring God blogs emails, and last week i read this one about gospel-centered womanhood. there was this one part that struck me, a lot:
However, in my experience, the most often pursued Christ-less coping mechanism for the curse [from the fall] is independence. “Men are bad for me. My dad was bad for me. My boyfriend/husband was bad for me. My boss is a louse. I'm embarrassed by the ways I have craved after loser guys in the past, I'm embarrassed by the ways women still crave after and are controlled by loser guys, and now I am going to write men off altogether. I don't need them.” These women cultivate strength within themselves, but it is in the context of protecting themselves from dependence on men, not in the context of being a strong helper to a man.being single, i guess, hasnt really been a struggle, but rather, just like what the blog said, im trying to protect myself from dependence on men. i understand this unique of time of being single can be used to serve God in a way that only single can, which essentially letting God to cultivate more godly characters to prepare for the future (aka marriage), and honestly, i like it. knowing that i can hang out with friends for the longest time, spending the whole weekend with church kids, serving others however way and however much i want, i enjoyed all of them. God blesses me with joy through those things, and i dont think that it will be the same if im not single. but after reading that, it convicted me that deep down i want to show people that "im okay even though i have never dated before, never had a boyfriend, still dont have one, and probably not gonna have one soon!" something prideful? very likely. "i dont need one!", thats basically what im trying to get across.
recently so many people got engaged, and it was difficult to not think about relationship in the midst of those, at least it was for me. as a girl, if i say that i never think about my future husband, i would be lying. i know as wives, women are called to submit and support their husbands. learning to submit to someone (i guess my parents for now, my boss in the near future) is a difficult lesson. sometimes i think i might be better off being single for life since im considered to be an independent person, that im able to take care of myself well even if im single! but im also contradicting myself for imagining having a husband and family.
i had several dreams about engagements/weddings before. interesting enough, i either ran away or i was hiding from my fiance/husband-to-be in all of them. i feel like its something that God tries to reveal to me because i can remember those dreams vividly. to me, a problem appears, and actually has appeared for a while now. i dont know if this is actually a problem, perhaps not, but realizing that i had similar mindset as if i have that problem in those dreams kind of worries me. it could have been because i dont want to be dependent on men. maybe being an independent woman seems more attractive to my subconscious at this point. i think i would consider this as pride. im glad the author didnt stop there:
No man can satisfy the longing in a woman's heart, as no woman can satisfy the man's. Misplaced desires set us up for failure in every relationship we have. But a woman in Christ abiding in her union with Him is equipped to eschew independence from man and stay engaged, strongly helping the man, not from a position of toilet lapping neediness, but secure in her identity in Christ.
securing my identity in Christ, thats what i need. no, i need Christ.
:DD!