late night...

i have been busy with work, like overwhelming amount of time spent on working, at least 7 hours per day. and im supposed to be tired at this time, yet somehow i just cant sleep, maybe too many thoughts in my mind that i need to store them somewhere else other than my brain...

i've checked my financial aid package for next school year couple days ago. i definitely have been blessed by God and in a way, my family has been blessed by God since i have more than enough to go to college and actually without any extra burdens on the family. it kind of reminds me of the same time a year ago, where i received God's grace abundantly, yet longing for more, longing for something that God did not plan for me. now that i look back, i am really glad that i surrendered to God's plan at that time, because if not, a lot of things wouldn't have happened in the past year, and certainly i would not have become who i am right now. i dont know if this is an accurate evaluation, but i guess i have grown a lot spiritually since last year. though i might not have been doing my best on devotions or fellowships, God has definitely taught me so much that i know that i would not have received this much of grace without following His will, which kind of leads to the next thing on my head.

what exactly is God's will for me? to be honest, im not really sure. if you want me to explain to you exactly what God wants me to do, i dont think i can tell you with assurance. but one thing i know for sure is that if i follow His commands closely and willing to allow God to change my life according to His will, i can figure it out little by little.

"Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is--his good, pleasing and perfect will."-Romans 12:2

is it really important to know exactly what God's will is? i dont know if it is something you need to know, after all, He is God that is in control over everything. as long as im loving Him with all my heart, all my soul, all my mind, and all my strength, God will take care of it, God will just carry me. because He is that almighty, i dont need to know His will for me in order for me to follow His plan since He knows better than i do and as long as im willing to let Him take control, i dont need to worry about whether im heading towards the right direction. if you believe that God is sovereign, then why worry about knowing God's will for you? because even if you know it, there is no way that you will be able to follow it on your own since we are full of flaws and sinful in nature. God has perfect will, and hence it is impossible for imperfect people to do His will. we can only do His will through Him who is perfect, and in order to do that, we need to let God to do it instead of us urging so hard to try to do it but fail to do so each time.

somehow my thought leads to love. i have felt love from different people, in different situations, at different time. this warm and fuzzy feeling runs inside you when you feel loved, is it how you supposed to feel when you feel like you are loved? what about God then? it's weird that i didnt realize it until recently when God is teaching me how to love the ones around me, when i started to experience a different kind of love from a person. and i was wondering, if God is our "ultimate lover", why dont we experience the same kind of fuzzy feeling all the time? finally God showed me the fuzzy feeling from Him during worship one day, it felt great, full of happiness, and more importantly, a unexplanable joy, and certainly different from the love feeling from others. i felt the peace that overflows, the excitements, the longing of spending more time with this perfect lover. too bad that we dont often experience those feelings with God. is it because God is not there? of course not, but i guess it's just us who are not giving more of ourselves up for God, not spending enough time with Him, not loving him with all we have. there's a reason that Jesus made this as one out of the two most important commandments: love the Lord you God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength.

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." -1 Corinthians 13: 4-8

love is not easy, it requires time, energy, and sacrifice. it might often leads to humiliation and objection, but with this great God that loves us so much, we always have the perfect love that is sufficient for us and satisfied us. with this love, we should pour it out to others, to love them just like Jesus did:

" Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us." -1 John 4:7-12

it just so clear that we know that God is in us if we love, and we can see Him through love because God is love (1 john 4:16). maybe its time for me to think about how to love God more than anything else in this world. i really want to experience this warm and fuzzy feeling that comes from God all the time. after all, who doesnt want to be loved perfectly?