can You carry me....please?

after anyone who read this, please, really, please dont rush over to me and comfort me, because thats not why i post this here. im not seeking for sympathy or comfort from anyone. i just want this to be a place where i can just cast it down instead of bottling it up. you are very welcome to leave comments and stuff, just dont call/text/aim me to ask if im ok. im fine, thats how i can type this on here.

these are some things that i was thinking about when i drove to the park after i got back from college park. i basically sat there by myself, thinking about all these things and eventually crying about these things because i really just have no other way to express them. i feel so insecured about everything in this world, and i realized that all i really have is God, and i know that it must have broken His heart seeing His children crying so much because of helplessness. but i just cant help it but cry it out, thats all i can do, thats how helpless i feel. i cant do anything, not even controlling my own tears, thats how helpless i feel.

sometimes, i really feel like unappreciated, by family, friends, co-workers, just people around me. no matter how much i pour out to others, i feel like they just dont really care. i know that in whatever we do, we should do it as in doing it for God, and we certainly shouldnt seek for any repayment from others, but really, it sometimes broke my heart that no one really cares. even though i tried my best, really showing love to others, they seem like they cant feel anything. and the more i think about this, the more i realize that how much more painful for Jesus to come to this earth and receive this kind of treatments from those that He loves so much. the worst thing is that He can see beyond the mere actions, something that i only see from people. He can see the hearts of the people, of those that He loves, He knows their hearts, He knows what they are thinking, He knows that they dont love him back, from the bottom of their hearts, He knows it all. how painful is this!!! just thinking about this can make me cry so much because i used to be those people, i used to be those who dont love Him because i think that i know better than anyone else, i used to be those who dont show love to others, who dont have compassion on others, who dont even care about others. how heartbroken must Jesus have felt!!! that He poured out everything He has, even His life, to those who dont care about Him, who dont love Him, or even hate Him, so that He can show them His love, so that people can experience this amazing love that nothing on this earth can replicate. how much Jesus had suffered for our disobedience, our disbeliefs, our sins!!

a policeman showed up in the parking lot after a while. he asked me if im ok and that i have to leave the park because its really late and the park is closed already. i told him that i was just thinking. but the fact that he asked me if im ok just hit me so hard, because that was what i needed at that moment: someone to be there and ask if im ok, to show that they care, except thats not the person im waiting for, not the person im expecting. but really, why did i even put so much hope in people anyways? why do i still expecting so much from people when i know that people are so imperfect and they will fail me for sure?

at the end i realized that im basically just complaining to God about things that are not going well in my life. i know from the beginning that the path to follow Jesus is not easy, yet i still longed for easy Christian life ahead of me. i just feel really ashamed because of my disobedience, my disbeliefs, and my sins that had driven me to this wall, and i know unless i turn around and really find the footprints of Jesus and follow him, i wont find my way out from this maze. though im really confused and just want to give up, i really want to trust in God and let Him carry me instead. im really tired of things around me thats not going in the right way. i hate getting hurt of things that people dont even know, dont even care. i dont want to shed any more tears on things that are not even gonna last eternally. i just want God to carry me. i just want Him. can You please come and carry me, Abba Father?

praise You in the storm by casting crowns- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uHdcyue0bSw

I was sure by now
God You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen", and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry You
Raised me up again
My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth