what i have learned so far.....

have been lazy since the mission series, ahaha. time to do some serious update on life in hk. i realize that i never talked about my life in hk so far.

the first week in hk i lived in my mom's friend's place. first impression? it's so small, but that's just how hk is. there are couple times i went to my aunt's place to hang out and such. i found myself being bothered by how the "kids" (they are all older than me actually) interact with their parents. not only they talk back to them all the time, from my perspective, i feel like they are disrespecting them. i've even heard them saying that their parents are stupid directly to their faces, but the parents would laugh it off with them. in my mind, i would think if i ever speak to my parents this way, i would be dead long time ago, but at the same time, i caught myself being self-righteous, thinking that im better than those "kids", when i should actually share the gospel with them because they are in need of God's grace as much as i do. hopefully i would get the opportunities to do so during my stay here.

after i moved into my dorm, well, i was being anti-productive. watching drama would be my only activity in my room. i knew my mindset was to rest when i come to hong kong, but i guess i rest in the wrong way. slowly, i began to feel lonely by myself because my roommate didnt show up, and still doesnt stay here on a regular basis. i miss my family, my friends, my church back at home. i began to fell into the trap of the enemy again, thinking about the fun that i had with the crew, missing them, and eventually it kinda went offtrack to a point where i dwell upon those memories. some of you might have seen the depressing status on facebook, thats what it was about. i felt depressing of being lonely here in hong kong because at that point, i didnt meet many people, nor i was involved in the campus ministry or church here. i guess the climax was when i read this passage from psalm 55:5-8

Fear and trembling come upon me,
and horror overwhelms me.
And I say, "Oh, that I had wings like a dove!
I would fly away and be at rest;
yes, I would wander far away;
I would lodge in the wilderness;
I would hurry to find a shelter
from the raging wind and tempest."

that somewhat describes my mindset of coming to hong kong. though on the outside i said its for resting, but in reality, i want to escape from the problems/situations that i have been facing back at home. it was as if God asking me "isnt this the reason you want to come to hong kong? but thats shouldnt be the purpose of you being here, there is something else i want you to do...." i broke down completely after i read that, i didnt know what to do. but thank God for brothers and sisters!! its a blessing to have fellow Christians there to encourage when i feel like im falling, to point me back to God when i lose sight of Him. i brought couple books with me to hong kong because i want to read more since i would have more time in my hand now that i dont have as much to do as i was back at home. i picked up a book called spiritual depression by martyn lloyd-jones, it fitted to my situation perfectly. it speaks directly to me. here are some excerpts that got me thinking:

The past cannot be recalled and you can do nothing about it. You can sit down and be miserable and you can go round and round in circles of regret for the rest of your life but it will make no difference to what you have done.....they are wasting their time and energy in vain regrets about things which they cannot change or undo, a purely foolish and irrational thing to do even from the mundane standard of common sense......If you can do nothing about a situation stop thinking about it; never again look back at it, never think of it. If you do, it is the devil defeating you. Vague useless regrets must be dismissed as irrational. My friend, stop dwelling on them! (82)

...these are very simple and elementary points, but we are often in trouble because we forget them. The second is, that we cannot create feelings, we cannot command them at will.... You cannot generate feelings within yourself. You can, perhaps, make yourself weep and bring tears to your own eyes, but that does not of necessity mean real feelings. There is a false sentimentality very different from true emotion. That is something beyond our control; we cannot create it. However much you try you will not succeed. Indeed, in a sense, the more you try to produce feelings within yourself, the more you are increasing your own misery. (111)

i think the main idea is actually this though:

[Romans 6:17] So that, in describing the Christian the thing he is emphasizing is that there is a wholeness about life. The whole man is involved, the mind, the heart and the will, and a common cause of spiritual depression is the failure to realize that the Christian life is a whole life, a balanced life. Lack of balance is one of the most fruitful causes of trouble and discord and disquietude in the life of the Christian man. (52-53)

my mind was too involved throughout the adjustment period, and i forgot the mindset as Christian, the purpose as Christian. that was the reason that i was in misery, the reason i was "depressed". im still reading the book, its a very good book. the author began with couple verses from scripture for very chapter to make his points, and they always point back to the cross, the gospel, and God's grace. though some of the language might sounds confusing because it was written back in the 60s, its still easy to understand his main points and ideas. i totally recommend it.

i heard this song couple days ago, and it just blew my mind. i wish you all could understand chinese because the original meaning in chinese is so much more complete, but i tried my best in translating the lyrics because i really want to share this with you who are reading. i wish i have heard this song earlier in my life. too bad they dont have an english version of this. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VMF9RCf_0JE&feature=related